"We've got a dream. So our differences ain't really that extreme."

Let's say that you're lucky enough to make it to old age (at whatever age you deem acceptable to leave this world), you're lying in your bed, surrounded by the people you love, and are looking back on your life. What would be the minimal achievement that you'd be content with? What are the fundamental life accomplishments to you? What would be enough for you to say "You know what, I'm happy. I've lived the right life for me."?. 

Everyone has a different goal in life. Some people want worldwide fame for their talents (or for piss all), to be rich, to travel the world, to invent something that changes the world. Some people have smaller goals: to find love, to get a decent job, to raise a family. Maybe all you want is to finally complete your Pokemon card collection, to see the floating lights, figure out what the fuck happened in Lost (good luck), or try fennel. No matter how small your dreams are, they mean just as much to you as anyone else's.

The inevitably of dying is something that I've truly struggled to be at peace with, however I'm beginning to. I have realised that if my final curtain call is definitely going to have to happen someday, then I will have to make the show as good as possible, but figuring out what that means to me personally is the tough part.

I recently read the book The Fault In Our Stars. (I'm sure that if you haven't read it, then you've at least heard of it.) I think it was reading this that made me think deeply about this subject, as it's one of the big discussions in the story. The argument is whether once you've gone, it would be better to have been loved widely or loved deeply? To have been recognised by many for something you've done or to have been loved truly and deeply by one person (or few people) who really knew you? It's the same message that I carry with me always from the musical Rent, which is to "Measure your life in love." I know that that may sound a bit soppy, but it truly resonates with me. There is nothing better with which to measure a life, to define a person, than to remember the love they gave and received in return. 

I've had huge dreams of being in the West End, and I doubt that I will ever know if I was good enough to realise them. My other dreams are smaller achievements that change with time. 

However, when I think about that "death bed" moment, and try to imagine the minimum that I could be content with, it's more about the person that I lived my life as. 
I've thought about this a lot and I want, in those last moments, to look back and be proud of who I've been. 
If nothing else, I want to have been the sort of person who doesn't just sit back, but who questions, who tries to change what others might allow. To have been the sort of person who shows true grit. The sort of person who sticks to what they believe in, is true to themselves, no matter what anyone else says. I want to Be the change I want to see.

I am not trying to sound like an inspirational fridge magnet, this is coming from deep down.

I think feeling like I'm doing my bit to change the world in my own small way, could be enough for me.
I know for sure that I'm not quite all of those things yet, but it is my personal project to try to be.

I guess if there was one last thing to think about, it would be wanting there to be something out there of you that can live on in some way. This is one good reason to be creative. I guess this blog is something I'd be happy to have live on, because I am proud of most of what I've written here. However, I know there's much more potential for creativity in me than just this, and my lifelong battle with laziness will have to be fought to change that.
I suppose this generation needn't worry because we've uploaded so many "selfie"s and shite YouTube videos onto the internet that we can't NOT be remembered. 

The real worry is that maybe I'll end up being remembered for some really awful photo that I meant to untag on Facebook. Or a Soundcloud cover that really isn't as good as I thought.

Whatever happens, I hope that I keep thinking about these sorts of things until that last day, because it must mean that I'm consistently striving to be the sort of person I want to be. (Either that or I've already reached 100% personal perfection.)

As usual, I would love to know what you think. Give me your comments.

"That's correct Wendy, we all wear masks, metaphorically speaking."

Good afternoon and welcome back.

This blog is becoming a bi-monthly treat.

I've had this subject brewing in my mind for several months now, and after a sudden burst of passion have decided to write it. I apologise that it is quite long and also ramble-y.

Today, I ask the questions- 1. Are we all just trying to prove ourselves? and 2. How much of our lives are affected by what other people think of us?

I have met people from all walks of life, with varying wants, interests and problems. I am used to dealing with different people every day at work, customers and staff, but the one thing that seems to tie the majority of people together is insecurity. I do not claim to be an expert on psychology or body language, or any of this, however, I do like to think that I am quite good at analysing the people around me. I genuinely take in a lot when someone speaks to me. I try to break down the front that they present and see who they are underneath, try and figure out what has made them the way that they are. I'm not saying that I am able to figure everyone out, no one could do that, but it seems clear to me that most people I meet on a daily basis are just insecure individuals, trying to prove themselves in some way.

As children, this is basically all we do. We want to make our parents proud, we perform for them, we draw pictures, we try to win the talent show, we want to help with grown-up tasks and show that we are big, we want to put on make-up and look grown up, we compete with our siblings, our friends, do everything that we can to prove that we are the best. We are actively encouraged to be like this. So actually, it's completely natural that this translates into adulthood. 

We are all trying to prove something, to paint a picture of who we are, or at least who we want to be perceived as. 99% of conversations that I engage in on a daily basis, involve someone feeding me information about their life, highlighting something that they deem impressive about themselves, or that in some way confirms that they are worthy of liking. On the other hand, there are those who want you to know how tough their life is, how much they are suffering, and in turn how strong or admirable they are for getting through it. People will find a seemingly subtle way to draw attention to the parts of themselves that they want you to see, and build this ideal profile.

It makes me wonder how much of everyone's whole life is about this. Is this the primary reason for the majority of our actions? Did we go to University for ourselves, or to prove that we're smart enough? Do we go for jobs because we truly want to, or because we like the perception that they create? Or indeed the perception that the money, or the objects that the money can buy, will create? Do we dye our hair, get tattoos, wear jewellery, all just to present an image of who we want others to see? I think partly, Yes. 
It's definitely something to think about.

I am not saying that this is all bad, or that it makes us stupid, or weak. Or that I am not guilty of this myself. In fact one of the most interesting points about this subject, is to look at how it affects you personally. Would I even write a blog if I wasn't trying to prove that I'm smart or insightful in some way? Would I upload photos to Instagram if I wasn't showing off about my day, or my new purchase, or my new hair cut? I honestly don't know the answer to this.
It's all so contagious. Naturally, we want to relate to each other, and so we find ways to show that we are the same.
Think of Facebook and Instagram: friends uploading photos of a party, a holiday, a heavily filtered and well-angled "selfie", their perfect child, checking themselves in at a bar, painting a picture of this wonderful, colourful, interesting life, and making you feel like you have to prove that yours is just as great. By the same token, most of us don't draw attention to any of the negative aspects of our lives on these platforms because it would ruin the profile that we want to create of ourselves.
I am the biggest culprit for never sharing a photo that is a true representation of me; if it draws attention to my weight in any way, then I will delete it, and will only share the ones that highlight my good features. 

Neither am I saying that this is the only reason that we ever do anything, or that everyone is completely contrived. However, I'm completely fascinated by the idea of your basic self. The person that you are underneath the mask that you wear everyday, who you would be if you were unaffected by external input, who you'd be if you didn't feel pressured to follow fashion, or gender roles or cultural trends. (I know this is all getting a bit deep...)
Who would you be, if you didn't feel the need to prove yourself all the time? If you felt completely secure and comfortable with who you are, how different would your life be? I can only dream of the freedom that that would bring.

I guess it all stems from worrying about what people think of you. I try to live by a phrase I heard from RuPaul- "What other people think of you, is none of your business." I know that this is true. Anyone else's opinion of you, doesn't affect you, and has no real place in your life unless you want it to. However, it is so much easier said than done, and takes so much work. 
I can't decide if living in a world where no one cared what anyone thought of them, would be a better or worse place.

The spark of passion that ignited, and that inspired me to write today was whilst tweeting. I spoke about how I find so many people unlikable these days. I find so few people relatable or sometimes even tolerable lately, and it's all basically because we live in a world with far more speakers than listeners. It's so difficult to actually enjoy a conversation because so many people are not listening, but simply waiting for their chance to speak. It has all become about ego. It truly is a shame. If we would just give the time of day to listen to each other sometime, we might hear so much. I worry that we don't know very much about our peers at all anymore, what with so much coming from our online persona's anyway.

There is no doubt in my mind that I have become a little bitter and resentful from being hurt in the past, and from bad experiences, and have in a way become part of the problem. I am much less likely to want to get to know anyone, or let them in now and so I guess I'm limiting my own opportunities to hear something new or insightful from anyone else.

As for the whole proving ourselves notion, I think this will always be a part of life. Personally, I am forever trying to look at myself and the reasons for my own actions. My journey to becoming the sort of person who does things for me and no one else, and who is not affected by what people think of me, will probably be a life-long one. 

What do you think?