I've been trying to get myself to blog again for a while. Months actually.
I'd almost finished writing two different posts in that time, as well jotting down ideas for a few different things, but just...haven't bothered to complete them. Other than the fact that I'm a lazy shit, I haven't been quite able to pinpoint why I've lost all inspiration lately, until today.
I've had a good think, and I've realised that there is more than one reason for all of this.
In fact, it would seem that there are five...
Reason 1: Low self-esteem
I actually think this reason has been the root cause of all the others. My self-confidence is a constant roller-coaster ride. I go through periods of feeling great, being so sure of myself, ready to take the world by storm and all that. Then there are other times where my self-esteem takes a huge dip and I'm quite unable to function as I normally would. This is just something I've gotten used to about myself. I have to actively work at pulling myself out of the confidence dip sometimes. Whenever I do go through a low period, I really struggle to be creative. I can't write, sometimes I can't even listen to music, or really express myself very well at all. Whatever I'm feeling just tucks itself away until it's ready to be faced.
The past few months, I have been on a particularly "thrilling" roller-coaster, in terms of constant highs and lows, and haven't been writing at all.
Reason 2: Chores
This is something very irritating about myself that I only fully realised today: I can manage to turn anything, even things that I enjoy, into a chore if I push it enough.
I wish I could be less of a child when it comes to this.
I have done this with reading. I've convinced myself that reading is too much work, and that I don't have the time for it, when in fact I love reading, and have done since I was a child. I'm actually ashamed to say that until today, I hadn't read anything in months.
It's become clear to me that this is what I had done with blogging. I had turned it into a chore, something I had to do, instead of something I wanted to do.
Reason 3: Pressure
Similar to the above reason, I realised that I had started to put pressure on myself about what to write. In the beginning, I'd write pretty much whatever came to me, (mostly nonsense) but lately I've been criticising my own ideas. Telling myself that they weren't smart enough, or funny enough, or as interesting as the last post. Comparing my blog to other blogs, and convincing myself that there wasn't much point in writing, because it will never be as good or as popular as all the fashion and beauty blogs etc etc bla bla... moan moan. Boring eh?
Reason 4: Identity
My most recent dip in confidence has come from a bit of a personal identity crisis. I'd been struggling to know who I was, where I was going, for a bit, and it actually translated to the blog too.
I've struggled to know where to go with my blog at times. To know what defines it. When it comes to other blogs, I read a few different types, and I can't deny that the ones I mostly go back to are often the ones with good quality photos, colourful design and a bit of variety. I can't help but always be aware that mine doesn't have any of that. I'm always battling with whether I should change it, and do a bit more of that, but I always have to remind myself that you shouldn't create anything for yourself, based on what other people want.
Reason 5: Honesty
The stuff I've been drafting lately hasn't ended up going anywhere, and I think I now know why- I'd lost the honesty. Honesty was what I think I liked and was always proud of about my blog, and (I think) because of a mixture of all those reasons above, I'd stopped writing truthfully and started trying too hard. I tried too hard to always be smart, or funny, or insightful, instead of just doing what I started this for, just writing about my life, my thoughts and my honest opinions, and hoping that my posts might be one or more of those things.
The worst bit is that all of these reasons are down to me, and no one else. No one has put these ideas into my head, I've done it all by myself. However, by the same token, that must mean that I can abolish all of this nonsense by myself too!
(Cue positive conclusion.)
What I've had to remind myself lately again is that I make the rules. In life and quite obviously, in my blog. I can have, or not have, whatever I want on my own blog. (I can rarely find a photo that relates to the shite that I write anyway.) I need to stop putting pressure on myself, criticising and limiting myself. I can actually write whatever the bloody hell I want. It's only a bloody blog. I don't have to find a definition for it, other than Me.
I also have to remember why I started writing a blog in the first place. I didn't create it for popularity, or recognition or to be something I'm not. I also didn't create it to force myself into writing, to make it become a chore, instead it was to allow myself to write when I wanted. (Hopefully, today is the recommencement of my reading journey too.)
I need to not have other people in mind so much when I write, because it limits me.
I chose to create this, for myself, as an outlet, and if anyone else were to gain anything from it, then even better.
So, from here on in, I'll stop caring so much. Who cares if I'm not always funny, or interesting, or grammatically correct? Who cares if my blog design isn't much? Who cares if I decide to post something completely different for once, or if I never do? Naebody! That's who.
Now if only I'd realised all of this months ago...
It's become clear to me that this is what I had done with blogging. I had turned it into a chore, something I had to do, instead of something I wanted to do.
Reason 3: Pressure
Similar to the above reason, I realised that I had started to put pressure on myself about what to write. In the beginning, I'd write pretty much whatever came to me, (mostly nonsense) but lately I've been criticising my own ideas. Telling myself that they weren't smart enough, or funny enough, or as interesting as the last post. Comparing my blog to other blogs, and convincing myself that there wasn't much point in writing, because it will never be as good or as popular as all the fashion and beauty blogs etc etc bla bla... moan moan. Boring eh?
Reason 4: Identity
My most recent dip in confidence has come from a bit of a personal identity crisis. I'd been struggling to know who I was, where I was going, for a bit, and it actually translated to the blog too.
I've struggled to know where to go with my blog at times. To know what defines it. When it comes to other blogs, I read a few different types, and I can't deny that the ones I mostly go back to are often the ones with good quality photos, colourful design and a bit of variety. I can't help but always be aware that mine doesn't have any of that. I'm always battling with whether I should change it, and do a bit more of that, but I always have to remind myself that you shouldn't create anything for yourself, based on what other people want.
Reason 5: Honesty
The stuff I've been drafting lately hasn't ended up going anywhere, and I think I now know why- I'd lost the honesty. Honesty was what I think I liked and was always proud of about my blog, and (I think) because of a mixture of all those reasons above, I'd stopped writing truthfully and started trying too hard. I tried too hard to always be smart, or funny, or insightful, instead of just doing what I started this for, just writing about my life, my thoughts and my honest opinions, and hoping that my posts might be one or more of those things.
The worst bit is that all of these reasons are down to me, and no one else. No one has put these ideas into my head, I've done it all by myself. However, by the same token, that must mean that I can abolish all of this nonsense by myself too!
(Cue positive conclusion.)
What I've had to remind myself lately again is that I make the rules. In life and quite obviously, in my blog. I can have, or not have, whatever I want on my own blog. (I can rarely find a photo that relates to the shite that I write anyway.) I need to stop putting pressure on myself, criticising and limiting myself. I can actually write whatever the bloody hell I want. It's only a bloody blog. I don't have to find a definition for it, other than Me.
I also have to remember why I started writing a blog in the first place. I didn't create it for popularity, or recognition or to be something I'm not. I also didn't create it to force myself into writing, to make it become a chore, instead it was to allow myself to write when I wanted. (Hopefully, today is the recommencement of my reading journey too.)
I need to not have other people in mind so much when I write, because it limits me.
I chose to create this, for myself, as an outlet, and if anyone else were to gain anything from it, then even better.
So, from here on in, I'll stop caring so much. Who cares if I'm not always funny, or interesting, or grammatically correct? Who cares if my blog design isn't much? Who cares if I decide to post something completely different for once, or if I never do? Naebody! That's who.
Now if only I'd realised all of this months ago...
